Prevention of harmful questions

Alexander Zaema, teacher of public speaking in three languages, speechwriter, event host

Very often it is not a matter of cost, efficiency or moral character of the person being asked the question. Often, the purpose of such questions is not to understand, find out, or understand better, but rather to “feel” our reaction, check how good we are in a difficult situation, and sometimes even “get even” for a bad communication experience. The difficulty is that our reaction to this kind of provocation is quite predictable. Usually, we react to danger, and such questions, you see, are a potential danger to us and our reputation, in a rather monotonous way. Or rather, even triangular.

The first option is to attack the “offender”, saying that you yourself are a fool and your questions are stupid.

The second is to run away from danger: we make excuses, apologize, take offense.

There is also a third one, I call it “possum mode” - we freeze and “switch off”.

I propose to figure out what principles should be followed in answering such questions, so as not to “throw” at people, not to “go off” into excuses and not to “hang” in meaningful silence, but to successfully get out of difficult situations without provoking a conflict.

Do not lead to “harmfulness”

Let's start with the most obvious and simple. Agree, we often become conflicted if the interlocutor failed to inspire trust, surround us with real human care, and make communication clear, useful and interesting. We have all been familiar with the tools for creating a trusting first impression for a long time, however, as they say: “Knowing, being able to and doing are far from the same thing.”

So let's do what we know for sure, namely, looking into the eyes of the interlocutor and smiling when we greet, this is attractive and inspires trust. Speak clearly, legibly, with pauses, avoiding sounds and filler words, explain complex terms in human language and structure thoughts - you must agree, this is a real manifestation of care towards the ears and brain of another. The one who is talking to us does not have to make additional efforts to hear or “catch” what is important among “uh”, “well”, “here”, “this is the same”, or “get stuck” on the words “disincrustation”, “ rhytidectomy", "hyperkeratosis".

In addition, in order for communication to be both useful and enjoyable, along with facts, terms, and instructions, it is worth using stories, living examples, anecdotes, and metaphors. Then a conversation with a professional leaves a clear and pleasant aftertaste, and not the feeling that you listened to a lecture at a specialized symposium. I am convinced that if we follow these recommendations, then the chance of getting a “harmful” question or running into a conflict on the part of our interlocutor is minimal. However, it is there. What to do if communication still reaches harmful questions, claims, conflict?

Think and pause

It would seem so obvious! But it’s easy to say, but not easy to do. You can check this with the example of this experiment: ask your interlocutor three questions, ask him to answer quickly. The peculiarity of the experiment is this: the answers to all three questions will be the word “white or white” and, of course, let him say these answers. For example, what color does the bride usually wear? What color is the snow? What color is sour cream? And then ask what does the cow drink? I bet even you are thinking about milk right now. It turns out that we find ourselves in a situation where the one who asks the questions controls our reaction. And, if there had been a pause, it is quite possible that you would not have followed the lead.

In addition, a pause between a question and an answer is basic politeness; you’ve probably often heard interlocutors who, even before the questioner has finished speaking, interrupt and are eager to answer. Ill-mannered and unrestrained, you will agree, and only inflames the conflict. Another argument in favor of a pause is that it adds confidence to the respondent, solidity, so to speak, in the good sense of the word. Answering without a pause is like an exam, and the examinee is the one who answers. Definitely not the most winning role.

Create a dialogue zone

Let me explain: this is the “zone” between the harmful question and the answer, which helps to “soften the blow” and make you want to listen to the answer. And such a beginning can also work as a “stroking” of the attacker’s vanity.

For example, such a zone could be the assessment of a question: “an important question”, “a very difficult question”, “with your question you hit the sore point of our product”. If the assessment is appropriate, it always looks like a winner. The main thing is not to answer the same thing over and over again, so that it doesn’t sound like a cliché or a formality.

Another tool for creating an atmosphere of dialogue can be a compliment to the interlocutor for his question. The main criterion here, as probably in the use of any other tool, is appropriateness. Let me remind you of the peculiarity of a compliment - it begins with the words “I”, “me”, “at me”, that is, we do not evaluate the person asking the question, saying, what a great guy you are or how “savvy” you are in the topic, but rather, we are talking about our impressions of what they heard. For example, “I’m glad to hear a question from a professional” or “I always respect people who ask direct questions.” This form of compliment works great in business communication. Strangers may not really like value judgments both about themselves and their qualities, preferences, and tastes. They may not say it, but think: “Did I ask for feedback?” So you should express your opinion or impressions in the form of “I” statements.

Humor

An almost universal way to respond to harmful questions is to use humor. It may be different. In my experience, self-irony, “play on words” and reduction to the absurd work best. For example, let’s take the question: “Aren’t you ashamed to sell this?” A self-ironic answer would be: “An unexpected question! When I sell and recommend, of course, I experience different feelings, pride, joy, gratitude, but I’ve never felt shame!” The “play on words” technique is to joke about one word, for example, “I’ll tell you more, am I not ashamed to use it myself?”

Well, this can be taken to the point of absurdity like this: “One of our criteria for selecting sellers is the absence of a sense of shame.” I first made the point that humor is “virtually universal” because, in my opinion, there is no always a good answer. Too different situations and too many variables: the audience, the purpose of the speaker, the purpose of the questioner, their blood pressure, mercury pressure, mood, weather outside the window, lunar day, retrograde Mercury... It will be appropriate to joke with someone, but for others the response to humor will be even more irritated. In general, you should be careful and keep the situation under control.

Use truisms

Don't be alarmed, I'll explain now. The word “truism”, or as it is also called “truism”, comes from the English true - “true”, “truthful” and means a generally known truth, something that cannot be questioned. Often these can be proverbs, sayings, folk wisdom, in general, phrases that appeal to common sense. Such a statement serves to create an atmosphere of agreement and discourages arguing in response. For example, a classic case when they say: “Why is it so expensive?” You can answer with the proverb “A cheap fish is a bad fish.”

Honestly say “I don’t know” or “Let me not answer this question”

I very rarely hear exactly this, when a person does not know the answer to a question or does not want to answer. Usually they start to get out of it, make up things on the fly, which, in my opinion, looks unprofessional and pathetic. Of course, this applies to those questions to which the speaker is not required to know the answers, that is, not related to professional knowledge and skills. Let me remind you that the goal of a harmful question is not to find out, understand, understand better, but rather to “feel” the reaction. I am convinced that if you don’t know the answer to a question, there is no point in dodging, imagining, trying to get out of it. The answer “Curious question” sounds much more honest and professional. I didn’t think about that” or “An unexpected point of view, I didn’t look at this question from that way.”

I often cite as an example the incident that happened to the 14th Dalai Lama. Journalists once surrounded him and asked the question: “The word “holiness” is often heard addressed to you, what do you think about this?” The Dalai Lama took a pause and then answered: “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.” " So let's move away from being know-it-alls and, if we don't know, talk about it openly. As for questions that you don’t want to answer, for example, “How much do you earn?”, here you can safely but respectfully answer: “This is a very personal question for me. Will you allow me not to answer it?” Even if the questioner does not calm down, stand your ground, only with calmness and a smile.

Handle complaints competently

I found valuable advice for me in the book “New Rules of Business Correspondence” by Maxim Ilyakhov and Lyudmila Sarycheva. Although we are talking about claims in writing, it seems to me that this can also be applied in oral speech. So, what you definitely shouldn’t do is evaluate the client’s feelings. For example, saying: “I see you are upset” or “I understand your anxiety,” etc. And also make excuses: “We tried our best, but...”, etc. All this infuriates, irritates and provokes greater conflict. What should we do instead of such usual phrases as “You have every right to be indignant, but we wanted what was best...”?

The first is to sincerely, humanly apologize: “We are sorry that we let you down” or “Sorry for keeping you waiting for a long time.” You should apologize by looking the person in the eye, speaking clearly and taking your time. Otherwise it will sound like a formality, a cliché, a script. Well then what's the point?

The second is to offer the person a solution that will restore his sense of fairness and faith in the good reputation of the company. It may happen that there is no ready-made solution right away, then say: “(Name), let me offer you an option on how we can fix this within two hours? Can I call you when we have a decision?” I think this is responsible and professional.

So, I think it has become clear that there is no magic answer to all the tricky questions and complaints. On the other hand, there are a lot of alternative reactions to those that we have already worked out over the years: enter into an argument, provoke a conflict, make excuses, freeze. And, given that we are asked a huge number of questions every day, and it’s not always “How are you?” or “Will you take the package?”, you can practice this matter constantly.

First published: PRO Cosmetology by Cosmetologist No. 3-4, 2020